it all culminates in the three "V"s
and yet there's something a bit different here.. indulgences of the trappings of something ~ the shortforms become the words and the words become the shortforms and it truly takes a lot to be the right kind of "sane" "weird" rather than "falling apart at the seams"~"weird". that isn't to say i'm falling apart at the seams or anything, that was just the right thing to say in the moment
AND FUCKING YET -- i checked some kind of index html on the exoewe site and as a result found an analog question to that on the right -- that being a big scary `god question`. every single approach to any question relating to god is wrong and by }it{s name i will never be at peace with somebody catching me with my pants down [figuratively] in any field [the field is figurative]. the pursuit of evading embarrassment is wrong. it's in the word, after all -- "humility" [although i wish you didn't necessarily have to be 'taken down a peg' to be 'humiliated' .. or maybe i'm wrong on that front too]
in a way, this is what i mean by `asemia` -- because everything i write attempts to describe something concrete and my words are never concrete enough. but such is the pursuit of speaking to another without misunderstanding -- and also the pursuit of god. i used to have a shorthand for that. i called it "sky"
know that by }it{s name i would like to be sure!
relevant topic of conversation
total disconnection?? the throughline?? you fucking bet! a life can't be bad if it.s middling and yet.. boredom is where all the thoughts come out?? and yet there are still twenty million hands clawing for my eyes and mind and body -- squeal, "i beg for the prize of your attention, madam!" [because that's what they're fucking doing, for the record, and i just keep falling for it and everyone around me does as well; at least from observation; because barely any kids or young adults take walks around the street here..] and i'm like "fuck yeah this is a worthy way to spend my time!". modern fiction's the go ~ old fiction is shit ~ what even is a "MARK Z DANIELEWSKI"? i only know "DRIL" and "{u/ThrowRA_fe}"! who is a "LANARDO DA VINFI"? i only know "@USA37107692" ,cycle repeats i am very sorry, pull up to the social gathering and blank out completely cuz nobody's ever built to be that fucking introspective especially when you just met a guy and ...
in the interest of preserving sanity i need to get the obvious ones to touch on out of the way immediately, because looking in diaries.txt the same four depressives have been on my mind constantly ~ things need to be happy because sadness is another kind of hate ~ and hate is what you get when you trudge in the vague direction of NAIL GUN and you don't want to be [that guy] or [that guy] or [that guy] or [that guy], but instead a combination of every guy even remotely associated with NAIL GUN [because everybody is theft, and the more theft you get the better a person you are] .. i operate in many interwoven truths rather than any form of reasoning ~ i can only connect the dots between what i know .. and i don't know many things [i've lost a lot that was directly under my nose... directly under my knows] at any given moment .. do you think everyone is either a histrionic or being actively manipulated by them? that's one that i'll never truly be able to figure out. okay not "never truly" it's just that's one of many unknowns that'll never be solved until i actively seek out the answer .. which i do not do .. ever .. so we can operate under the ideal of what i just said being a lie -- because it is the word of man -- a mental girl, if you want to get into specifics -- and i cannot trust that which is not a known! maybe life would be better if i was able to discern between an unknown and an untruth. without any undue sarcasm, that would mean: you are to be able to take things with a grain of salt rather than forever doubting. we'll be better off. thanks. functionality over [fog, perfection, enlightenment [that which is only a search]] must be the sole key. i'd like to formally apologize to the histrionics that deal with guilt about being histrionics im sure youre all wonderful people
